Don’t you know that it’s different for girls?

Who takes the main responsibility for sex education at home? Judith Emanuel talked with six mothers about pregnancy, partners and ‘proper words’

Six mothers who work in the kitchens and/or have children at a primary school in Miles Platting, North Manchester, spoke about their views on sex education. The conception rate for under-16s in North Manchester for 1989-91 was 21 per 1,000, more than twice the national average.¹

All of the mothers felt sex education is a parent’s responsibility and that ideally children and parents should be able to talk openly about sexual issues. They liked the way the school sends letters home requesting parental consent before doing sex education and offers parents the opportunity to come into school and see the video Living and Growingwhich is used with the top Junior class. They would welcome more opportunities to talk with other parents about how to discuss sex with children: ‘Parents back off questions and more work with parents would be good.’

Their major concern was unwanted and early pregnancy and they felt that sex education should be very strongly related to having children. They knew that 11 and 12-year-olds were having intercourse and it is often innocent girls rather than streetwise ones who get pregnant.

‘You need to know your own child well. Children go wild if they are not allowed some freedom. It is a balancing act but you do have to know them well and know what they are ready for.’

Some of the women thought that girls had to take the main responsibility ‘because they are the ones who end up pregnant and get called slags. It’s different for boys, they don’t get pregnant. Girls have to have more self control. There is no point in putting pressure on boys because they will always find a girl who will’.

Just as the young women have to take the major responsibility for not getting pregnant, their mothers felt that they took the main responsibility for sex education at home. It is not easy. Two women said they had mentioned to their partners that they were coming to the school to talk about sex education and had been told that it would be pornographic.

It was only mothers who came to watch the video at school. One suggestion was that some fathers might be more likely to come if there were separate meetings for them.

None of the women felt that it was the school’s responsibility if young women got pregnant, but they had different attitudes to the role of schools. The women’s attitudes seemed to depend to some extent on their own experiences. None of the women mentioned that they had had sex education from their own parents and some acknowledged that their ignorance had had painful consequences. They all wanted to make sure that their children’s experience would be different and wanted to be able to talk to their children about sex.

One woman had very positive memories of the talks she had had with one daughter, now in her mid-20s and clearly in control of her own life. She was concerned that it might not be so easy with her other daughter who is now eight because she felt the pressures were greater now, and at an earlier age.

This mother felt that schools should not give confidential advice to young people. She was unhappy about the idea of youth workers giving out condoms to under-16s. In contrast a woman who was herself pregnant at 16, and had not had much sex education either at her girls-only secondary school or at home, was determined that the same would not happen to her daughter and did everything she could to keep her informed and encouraged her to talk to her about sex. She felt that sex education should begin as early as the first year of the Juniors (7-8 years old).

The women felt that teachers in secondary schools should be able to give confidential advice to young people under 16 and hand out condoms in school. They thought that some children can talk better to teachers than parents. They felt that anything should be done to prevent pregnancy and that education would not encourage young people to have sexual intercourse; they would do it anyway. Boys and girls should be taught that they have equal responsibility.

The mothers felt that both the ‘proper words’ and the terms children use for parts of the body should be discussed in lessons in school. Several felt it was important children were not frightened off sex and babies and that sex education should talk about love and feelings.

All of the women take their responsibilities for sex education very seriously and have honest and open relationships with their children about sexual issues. While they have different ideas about how schools should support them they all believe that sex education has a place in school and welcome opportunities to discuss the content and their own roles as sex educators for their children.